As most people know, we in education deal with a platitude of humans throughout each and every working day. These include people both in the profession, such as co-workers and supervisors as well as those who we are working for, students and parents. When working with so many, who have a multitude of personalities and attitudes, there are times, when contention can rear up its ugly head.
What do I mean by that? Potential conflict heading your way, full steam ahead!! But wait, does it have to get to that point? Here is what I am proposing.
"Jon's guide in alleviating conflict."
Conflict is something that will happen no matter what profession you choose to be in. Education is a bit trickier as there are so many people to maneuver through to get to your end result, which should be going to bat for a student.
1. There could be potential to have conflict with parents. Especially in the world of Special Education, we are dealing with several emotional variables both on the parental end as well as the teacher's. From the parent, they are looking at what is best for their individual child. I have heard many (not always mind you) times from parents of students with special needs, "I don't care about what is happening with other students, only mine." There have been times when, as an educator, this has worn a bit thin as from our end, we are attempting to meet the needs of not just the one particular student but each one who is in our classroom. How does one deal with conflict that has to do with parents? There are two ways I see this can be done.
1a. You can be assertive and state your side of the case. This way, you will be almost assured of losing some of your relationship with the parent(s). You must ask yourself, is this the hill you want to die on? If so, and you feel it is worth pursuing, then I would say "go for it." If however, there is even a slight touch inside of your gut trying to look at the problem from a different set of angles.
How about this as an option?
1b.Stay calm. I know this seems like a no brainer, but sometimes, that old reptilian brain can get in the way. When we are upset by something, a nerve center opens up and can wipe out any form of intelligence you know you have. While remaining calm, begin by listening to the parent and take notes while they are talking. Use reflective statements the parent is saying to ensure they know you are listening. If there are points they are expressing that make sense, reassure them of this. Be as agreeable as you can during the conversation. If the parent is upset when you start, there is a pretty good chance they will calm down once they feel you are truly listening to what they are saying. I once had an experience with a parent several years ago, who was extremely upset with how one of my paraeducators handled a situation with her student. I was also the lucky recipient to have a pre-scheduled parent teacher conference a couple of hours after this event took place. That being said, when we got together, mom was pretty upset about things. I knew the situation had not been handled in the best way it could have and was in agreement with the mother. At one point, she said to me, "I want to be mad at you but I can't if you keep agreeing with me!" We both laughed and were able to solve the problem from there.
In a previous blog, I spoke about putting relational deposits into the account so is you do need to make a withdrawal, it is not as difficult as when you do not have a good relationship with someone. Making sure you do what you can to build the wealth in the accounts will help in dividends at a later date.
I would also contend this- if you are able to maintain a positive relationship when things get contentious, think of how easy it will be with the parents who you naturally get along with.
2. Let us now pose a different scenario. You have a potential conflict with a co-worker. From my special education lens, let's say you would like to place a student on an IEP into their classroom. The general education teacher is resistant and you are finding it challenging to gain support from administration to get said student into general education. The building Principal wants the two of you to figure it out. How could you deal with this?
2a. You could come in with the latest information from IDEA and go on a tirade about the law and free appropriate public education. You could get the student into the teacher's classroom by shoving the law down their throat. You could in turn get what you feel is best for the student yet create an enemy, with more conflict over the course of years to come when you want to place a student into this teacher's classroom.
OR
2b. Work with the teacher and provide your expertise and support for the teacher. Be transparent with them and ask several probing questions. The best thing to do in this type of scenario is to drill down deep and figure out what the underlying issues are. Many times, I have found, the general education teacher does not feel equipped with the tools necessary to work with a student on an IEP. Many are intimidated at the thought of having kids who struggle in their classrooms. The hard reality of this is, they already have students who are struggling who might be English Language Learners or just students who do not qualify for federal services but have a challenging time in school.
In this case, I would be encouraging with the general education teacher and work side by side with them to help the students who need extra support. If you have the ability, offer a paraeducator to help support for part of the day. You could also give this a "go" on a trial basis with the caveat, if it does not work, we can head in a different direction. Continue to try and build these relationships with the general education teacher as you will need their support over the years.
The bottom line in these situations is, how can you work through these uncomfortable times with people and gain a win for both parties. As stated earlier, if you are keeping in mind what is in the best interest of your student(s) and all people can come at the problems from this angle, it should work out. Another thing to keep in mind too is that sometimes, grinding through conflict can make a better end result. Perhaps you may come up with a new, innovative solution that neither party would have considered without some form of conflict cropping up.
No matter how you tailer any of the scenarios that can crop up, I would suggest staying level headed about the situation as well as taking some think time before responding. I have even had to sleep on some of these things overnight so as to not respond in a flip or inappropriate way. Whether you completely agree with the other person or not, try to use active listening to gain their perspective. Still be your assertive self but be that person in a calm, confident way.
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